


Real or Not Real

by BladedBlossom



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 06:25:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16550645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BladedBlossom/pseuds/BladedBlossom
Summary: Katniss would love to have her way with Peeta, but he's proven a bit difficult to get on board. Luckily, archery isn't the only thing Katniss is good at.Inspired by the song "We're All Alone" by Boz Scaggs.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: It's been a long time since I've written any fanfic. It is a testament to the power of the Everlark ship that I'm writing this. It's been over a year and I am still obsessed and in love with the pairing. That is no mean feat. No other ship before Everlark has engendered this much passion and loyalty in me. I think I can officially say it is my OTP. I used to say one ship or other was my OTP, but over time, the passion would wane. It's not that I'd lose interest, but the intensity faded dramatically.
> 
> This is an idea I've had simmering for a long time. I just couldn't figure out how to make it work. I hope the story resonates emotionally. The song itself certainly did for me, and when I heard it, I thought it would be perfect for the story.

Katniss lay on her stomach on her soft bed, her cheek against her pillow as Peeta kneaded her shoulders and the muscles between her shoulder blades. She sighed appreciatively and felt one side of her mouth quirk up. She lifted her head to flash that smile at Peeta, but something about his demeanor made her freeze as the smile hesitantly faded. "Peeta?" she queried uncertainly.

Peeta's jaw tightened, but his hands remained gentle as they caressed the skin of Katniss' back. "Maybe...maybe this isn't a good time," he finally murmured, so quietly Katniss had to tilt her head somewhat closer to hear him.

"What?" Katniss protested, her tone unmistakably annoyed.

"I know. I..." Peeta trailed off, his hands stilling. He sighed in resignation. "I just don't trust myself. I'd never forgive myself if I hurt you. Wait. I already did. I could have killed you." Peeta touched Katniss' neck gently, lightly, as though even doing that would injure it.

"Peeta, this is the third time we've tried this. Remember that kiss? When I told you to stay with me." She sat up and turned to look into Peeta's eyes. "You didn't hurt me. And what happened before wasn't your fault." Katniss took Peeta's strong workers' hands in hers and squeezed them reassuringly. Or at least, she meant to be reassuring. She might have overdone it, considering Peeta's slight wince. Katniss dropped his hands and sighed, a long exhale of frustration. Her steady arousal was ruined, and she couldn't help feeling just a little resentful at being disappointed yet again.

"Katniss, I put you in the hospital," Peeta argued. "You - I - both of us. We're lucky I couldn't succeed then." A pause. Then, "Maybe you should have chosen Gale. At least, he'd have no problem satisfying you."

Katniss' eyes widened in almost comic incredulity before her brain kicked back into gear and she yelled, "Peeta Mellark" and shook him by his shoulders. Peeta stilled, face frozen with an expression of anxiety. "If I wanted Gale, I'd be with him. You know that. Don't be an idiot."

Peeta started to bow his head, but then the core of steel that had enabled him to come out of the Games with his humanity and sanity asserted itself and he looked Katniss in the eyes. "Look, do you think I enjoy disappointing you? Do you think I like depriving myself? Do you think it's fun to have flashbacks of the Capitol, the arenas, you as a slavering mutt? Do you think I don't feel just a little inadequate right now?"

All of Katniss' righteous wrath died at those words and she felt guilt take its place. Why was she always so selfish? Did she even love Peeta? Did she know how to love anyone? 

Katniss got to her feet, one hand hovering beside Peeta's cheek. When he didn't move away, she stroked it softly and whispered, "I'm sorry" before turning and leaving the room.

Katniss paced her living room in agitation. She'd been genuinely understanding and patient the first couple times she and Peeta had tried to enjoy each other. They'd been separated for several months because of Peeta's treatment anyway, and then it wasn't like she felt desire all that often with her depression. Perhaps she had mistakenly thought Peeta would be wholly cured, but was it really surprising that he wasn't? After all, she wasn't, and she knew she never would be. The best she could expect was that her nightmares and depressive episodes would only flare up occasionally or under extreme stress. Peeta's presence in her world really helped, and sometimes, she'd look up from stirring a pot of pasta or stew to find him staring at her with a look of peace about him.

Katniss clung to the image of a peaceful Peeta like a lifeline. She knew from the past failed attempts at lovemaking that Peeta might well be in the grip of unreality at this very moment. The part of her that thought in cold, practical terms said to stay where she was. She was safer. But the stronger, protective part of her said Peeta might need her, and she believed in his love for her. It worked before. She would prove that she wasn't a mutt. She'd keep trying to give Peeta good memories to counteract the false bad ones. _And even some of the real bad ones,_ she muttered darkly to herself before climbing the stairs.


	2. Chapter 2

Katniss approached her bedroom door silently, aided by plush carpet. At first, she couldn't find Peeta, but if he'd left the house, he'd have had to run into her. She scanned the room and finally found him on the floor beside the bed, staring into his lap. Katniss crept closer, but stopped when Peeta raised a hand and indicated that she should come no further.

"You might be safer if you're not right within reach," Peeta explained.

Katniss nodded, backing outside into the hallway. "Should I go away?"

Peeta deliberated, looking carefully at Katniss' face. He knew intuitively that to say yes would cause her pain. His need to protect her from himself was strong. He wanted her far away until his episode passed. At the same time, he knew what it was to want - to need - to be there when Katniss screamed or cried out because of one of her own episodes. Peeta wished Katniss wouldn't risk her life on his account, but it was too late for that. It was what they did. "Stay with me," he replied.

Katniss smiled fully before she could stop herself and lowered herself to the floor, her back against the wall as she faced the bedroom. "Always," she whispered too quietly for Peeta to hear, though he did catch her lips forming the word.

Peeta returned her smile briefly, but it was then that his episode took him and he wandered in nightmares. Katniss still found this unresponsive Peeta disconcerting. She couldn't reach him, couldn't read him, and neither of them could predict whether he'd come back afraid of her. Part of her wanted to run away and part of her wanted to take him in her arms and comfort him as he'd done so often for her.

Suddenly, Peeta curled on his side and covered his face with his arms, moaning piteously, brokenly. Katniss started forward immediately, but then stopped uncertainly. She didn't know the full situation. All she knew was that she wouldn't desert him. She couldn't. But she returned to her previous position against the wall and waited.

Peeta shifted and uncovered his face, and Katniss saw it wet with tears. A surge of tenderness and grief had her crawling to him as fast as she could. She came up behind him and put her arms around him, but instead of welcoming the embrace, he began to shiver and struggle to pull away.

Katniss released Peeta and backed away as Peeta registered her and his eyes filled with fear. Katniss was devastated, but she knew this had been a possibility all along. She reminded herself he still wasn't all there. And she could still see his tears.

Katniss backed all the way outside the room as Peeta huddled on the floor as far from her as he could manage. She couldn't leave him in such obvious distress. But what could she do? These things ended on their own time.

Katniss thought of good moments she and Peeta had shared. The kiss on the beach - no. Better not go there. Talking to him and tending to his handcuff injuries. The cave in the first arena. Nights on the train in his arms. The pearl. Lamb stew. Green and sunset orange. It was all these moments that brought them together - that bound them together.

And then she thought of Prim, who she loved as much as Peeta, and she knew how to soothe him.

"Outside the rain begins,/And it may never end./So cry no more..." Katniss began to sing.

As Katniss sang, Peeta raised his head, a look of wonder filling his eyes. He crawled toward that beautiful voice, unable to stop himself. If she were a siren that would kill him, he'd at least die having heard the most rapturous song ever.

Katniss watched Peeta as he advanced, and when he was close enough, she opened her arms. 

Peeta hesitated for a beat, but decided that if Katniss wanted to kill him, he wouldn't stop her anyway. It'd be only fair, since he'd tried to kill her first. He allowed himself to be enfolded in her embrace and the gentleness and warmth of her touch brought him fully awake at last.

Katniss felt Peeta's firm, strong arms envelop her ribs - felt his sturdy hands gliding rhythmically up and down her back. And then she felt his tender kiss and knew he was home again. "Welcome back." 

Peeta kissed her again, longer, slower. 

Katniss squeezed him tightly, laying her cheek against his.

Peeta motioned toward the bed. "I know I've let you down before," he began.

Katniss put a finger to his lips. "I've learned good things are worth waiting for. And you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Katniss," Peeta said breathily as he drew her onto the bed with him.

Katniss answered with a kiss so hungry and fiery that no more words could be spoken for a long while.


End file.
